Welcome to Motherhood
Looking back, it was beautiful.
“Welcome to motherhood!” - a phrase overused to new moms. No seasoned mom really knows what they mean when they say that. Some will tell you it’s beautiful, others will say it's challenging, and most will say it’s the best and most difficult job you can have. All are right. But nobody prepares you for the most intense overhaul that your mind, body, and soul will ever experience.
I didn’t initially love being a mom, but did anyone in 2020?
At the beginning of 2020, I was 7 months pregnant and graduated as a family nurse practitioner.
A month later I put in my two-week notice as a nurse - just as we were preparing for the flood of covid patients. There was so much fear and anxiety. What if I get covid? Will my baby get it? Will we be separated at birth? Will my husband be in the delivery room? How do I tell our parents we don’t want them to kiss our baby? Are we allowed to have visitors? Do we even have visitors? Is covid on my food? My mind was spinning, my heart was broken.
I cried myself to sleep several nights a week before delivery. I signed petitions for allowing dad’s to be present in the delivery room. I prayed that everything would go “smooth” - whatever that meant at the time. Looking back, it seems extreme, definitely desperate. I wanted to prepare my heart, my mind, and my body for delivering my first child, but instead was consumed with other anxieties. I was trying to pull myself together as I stayed at home quarantining while my husband, a medical student, was working at a hospital amidst the pandemic, surrounded by germs that had the potential to end our lives - or so we thought.
How is it so quickly that fear of what is unknown can paralyze us? Peace seemed so far away. A new reality, unfair.
On April 16, 2020 during what the media referred to as “death week”, I delivered Emmett Christoper on the most beautiful day of my life. No fear, no extra people. An angel nurse, my OB on her day off, and husband. God does that - He shows up when you least expect it. When you relinquish control. That’s the foundation of motherhood.
The first year of Emmett’s life was occupied by the stay at home order. Justin was gone for 4 months auditioning for residency and I temporarily moved in with my parents. Emmett was an extremely difficult baby - no sleep, colicky, so much unrest. What I had pictured in my mind was long walks, my little family, trying new outdoor restaurants - loving being a mom. Just like any young woman awaiting motherhood, I had a perfect picture in my head. Covid changed that, but God went before me.
Looking back it was beautiful. We spent the entire summer outside surrounded in love, clean food, the Good Lord and a firm lesson to let go. For the first time in my life, I was given something I could not control. Let me tell you about being brought to my knees.
I share this as I know there are many women who share the same feelings. We are brought up in a culture telling us we can have what we want when we work hard enough. Careers, husbands, degrees, children, big house, money, health. There is work in that, it takes lots of discipline and grit. But life happens. Ultimately, we are not in control.
Currently, I am a mother of two boys married to an anesthesiology convert from ortho resident. I recently resigned from a concierge practice with endless opportunities to learn and grow in the preventative medicine world to slow down, raise my boys, and grow my family. I have felt an undercurrent to share my research, my knowledge, and my practice with anyone in this space.
Welcome to wellness in motherhood.
